Cat's Creations

Let the beauty we love be what we do.

Angel Laura
February 8-14, 1992

 

This is what I wrote for the tenth anniversary in 2002. We still miss our baby fourteen years later and there will always be a place in our hearts for our special angel.

 

Our sweet Laura was born on February 8th 1992. She was our first baby and so eagerly anticipated by the family. My sister-in-law, Wendy had just had a baby boy, Nelson in November so we were thrilled at the prospect of the two growing up together.

 
We were overjoyed when Laura finally arrived after a long, difficult delivery. Her scores all checked out and we thought we were home free. She seemed a little sluggish but we were able to take her home after a few days and start getting settled into our new routine. I was absolutely exhausted and was relieved to get out of the hospital where the nurses seemed to constantly wake me for feedings, needles, and temperature taking.
 
During the night of Laura’s sixth day I went to check on her. She was very still and I gently shook her and turned her over. I’ll never forget how ice cold her head felt. Everything was in slow motion and I had an out of body experience where I looked down at myself screaming. None of it seemed real and I kept hoping I would wake up from this cruel nightmare.
 
We took her body to the Winchester Hospital where the doctor examined her in another room. I kept waiting for him to come out and tell us that everything was fine and she was still alive. It didn’t happen. I realized later that I was in the denial stage of grief and my brain just couldn’t accept the reality of her death.
 
Her mysterious death left us in a state of shock and grief. At the time I was full of incredible anger and guilt. Surely it was my fault! I must have done something wrong to cause her death. I played “if only” scenarios in my head wishing I could turn back the clock and do it all differently.
 
To this day I find it hard to accept the senselessness of her death. She died of a brain hemorrhage caused by the intense pressure of the forceps and vacuum extractor. People asked why we didn’t sue but I felt that nothing could bring her back so why relive the agony again and again? A three year investigation was inconclusive and the doctor was never held accountable.
 
I will never forget the kindness of Pastor Joyce Trask who was there with us right from the beginning. I wasn’t regularly attending church and was hesitant to call her at first. From the morning Laura died, she was at my side offering comfort and support throughout my grief journey. We received such incredible support from the wonderful people at Joyce’s church and I am forever grateful. Somehow I felt God’s presence and love all around me at that time. I began to attend church regularly after that as I felt such comfort being there.
 
My faith is still a bit shaky and I still have many questions and doubts but I realize that’s okay. I have become much more spiritual but it’s an ongoing journey and my quest for meaning and purpose is a constant one.
 
Ten years later, Brian and I have managed to get our lives back on track as much as we can after such a tragedy. We have been blessed with two beautiful boys, Rory (8) and Eric (6). They bring us such incredible joy and help us focus on the present.
 
I do tend to think about how different it would be if Laura had lived. Often I look at girls who are the age she would be now and am filled with sadness and longing for something that will never be. Still, I feel grateful for Rory and Eric and can’t imagine life without them. I know many other bereaved parents who aren’t as lucky to have healthy children after losing a baby.
 
Over the years I have made many friends with women who have also lost babies. Through the years we have shared our sorrow and our joys and these special friendships have helped me heal and have given me a new empathy towards the suffering of others. Once you have been touched by tragedy you are transformed and you feel other peoples’ pain more.
 
I’ll never be totally over the loss but I have learned to live life with more gratitude and love; giving back to the world instead of always assuming a passive, taking role. I have become a stronger person who is more willing to take risks than I was before. I realize that my fears paralyze me and stop me from achieving what I want to achieve. I haven’t been magically transformed but I’m getting there! The wisdom of middle age helps as well.
 
Laura lived such a short time and yet our lives were forever changed by her being here. I learned that I don’t have as much time as I think I do and one day it will all end. Nothing in this life is guaranteed and it can all be taken away in an instant. I have learned to be grateful for every day.
 
Ten years marks a milestone and I feel it is important to keep Laura’s memory alive with our boys, our family and friends. She wasn’t here for very long but the main thing is she was here and she was loved by many. We will never forget our special angel, Laura Grisdale Graham.